I have at moments on the Bus or Train thought about the long walk... the 5-10 seconds walking from seat to the podium to accept the Bafta, sweat across your brow, mouth desert dry...
This is a lift conversation I had with a work mate (let’s call him Dave)
DAVE: What’s it like being nominated for a Bafta? ME: Err, well ...it’s kind of cool to be recognised (trying to sound modest). DAVE: Do we get to call you ‘Sir Akin’ anytime we address you. ME: I haven’t won anything yet (still trying harder to be modest). DAVE: ...Or maybe ‘Bafta nominee Akin?’ ME: I’m just... DAVE: Or better still ‘The honourable Bafta Nominee Akin’. ME: (I give him a ‘this is getting silly’ look) DAVE: Do you at least get to walk on a red carpet, sleep with a celebrity, sell your story and release a single by Christmas... for charity? ME: (me smiling embarrassingly... hoping lift arrives at my stop very quickly). DAVE: Have you at least written your acceptance speech?
Well, I haven’t written one yet. Indeed not only have I not written one yet, I haven’t thought about writing one yet.
And the only reason why I haven’t considered the idea of an acceptance speech is the feeling that if I actually contemplate winning- which I have to in order to write an acceptance speech- I will somehow Jinx it.
I have at moments on the Bus or Train thought about the long walk... the 5-10 seconds walking from seat to the podium to accept the Bafta, sweat across your brow, mouth desert dry. 5-10 seconds of trying not to stumble, trip, break into song, fart, puke, pass out.
There are a million ways it could all go wrong - and trust me I have thought every one of them. And that’s before we get to the acceptance speech. Do I just grab the gorgeous trophy and run back to my seat? I do have terrifying visions of me up there giving a prototype Internet wedding speech; of being dragged screaming of stage after accidentally using a lethal cocktail of obscenities; of having the Bafta stripped off me for bringing dishonour upon the Academy.
Or do I simply take the trophy, thank the Academy and leg it?
Fear as you can tell is a terrible terrible thing.