Six of the Best - Stephen Mangan

04 March 09

The star of Green Wing and Never Better hands out his very own BAFTAs.

Photo courtesy of Channel 4

Best Onscreen Agent
I’ve spent the last three months immersed in the murky, shadowy world of the talent agent. Jeremy Piven in Entourage gives good shark but the warm-hearted Woody Allen in Broadway Danny Rose wins the award, “If you take my advice, you'll become one of the great balloon-folding acts of all time!”

Best Off-Screen Hissy Fit
Christian Bale (Terminator Salvation) – good. Lily Tomlin (I ♥ Huckabees) – highly commended. Rip Torn trying to smash Norman Mailer with a hammer whilst shooting Maidstone – too violently weird. But the daddy of them all has to be Klaus Kinski:
“You’re a beginner! A dwarf ’s director! Someone needs to hit you in the face! You should be locked up! You stupid pig! You don’t exist for me! You can lick my ass, I’m going to smack you in the face!” and so on, for hours.

Best Spoon-Related Goobledygook in The Matrix
Spoon boy: “Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead ... only try to realise the truth.”
Neo: “What truth?”
Spoon boy: “There is no spoon.”
Neo: “There is no spoon?”
Spoon boy: “Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.”

Most Outrageous False Nose in Movie History
Nicole Kidman in The Hours, Alec Guinness as Fagin, Laurence Olivier as Richard III – all tremendous. But for sheer staying power, the award has to go to Karl Malden.

Silliest Film Title
Filming Beyond The Pole in the Arctic Circle last year, we spent a lot of time trying to think of a title for the film. My favourite attempt, North By North-North, was rejected for being too silly. How come these slipped through the net? Rabid Grannies, Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death, The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! And the winner… Revenge Of The Middle-Aged Woman.

Best Donatella Versace Impersonation
Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Uncanny.

Stephen Mangan’s TV credits include Green Wing, Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years and Never Better. His latest project is co-starring in the comedy Free Agents (pictured), currently on C4.